Friday, March 21, 2008

Letter to America

A British friend sent this to me recently. Funny.

'Letter to America'

Dear Citizens of America,

In view of your failure to elect a competent President and thus to
govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective immediately.

Her Sovereign Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories (except
Kansas, which she does not fancy), as from Monday next.

Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for
America without the need for further elections. Congress and the
Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year
to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up 'aluminium,' and check the pronunciation guide. You will
be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour',
'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut'
without skipping half the letters, and the suffix 'ize' will be
replaced by the suffix 'ise.'

3. You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'; you
may elect to spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find you simply
can't cope with correct pronunciation.

4. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to
acceptable levels (look up 'vocabulary'). Using the same twenty-seven
words interspersed with filler noises such as 'like' and 'you know' is
an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

5. There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take
account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'

6. You will relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save The
Queen', but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see above).

7. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. November 2nd
will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated only in England. It
will be called 'Come-Uppance Day.'

8. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns
should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

9. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything
more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if
you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

10. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean.

11. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will
start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
will go metric immediately and without the benefit of conversion
tables... Both roundabouts and metrification will help you understand
the British sense of humour.

12. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been
calling 'gasoline') - roughly $8/US per gallon. Get used to it.

13. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call french
fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut,
fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with malt

14. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with

15. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not
actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as 'beer,' and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as 'Lager.' American brands will be
referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine,' so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

16. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as
good guys.. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors as
English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue
in 'Four Weddings and a Funeral' was an experience akin to having
one's ear removed with a cheese grater.

17. You will cease playing American 'football.' There is only one kind
of proper football; you call it 'soccer'. Those of you brave enough,
in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to
American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every
twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of Jessies - English slang for 'Big Girls Blouse').

18. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to
host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played
outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a
world beyond your borders, your error is understandable and forgiven.

19. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

20. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due, backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hey you looser. Pronounce this, "Balderdash". Now look it up.